Sister, I see you dancing on the stage of memory

I'm not calling this a guest post, because even though this blog is registered under my name it's all of our story. This post is from my sister Ciera.

Here it is:

I am not a writer or philosopher. I am me. There are times in our lives that define us and shape us and this is one of those times. If we don't write them out, they fade to memory and become blurry and the sharp insights we are to gain from these kinds of experiences become dull and hard to recall when we need them. Or maybe when others hear about these experiences and need them, I won't be able to relay the meaning as well; and so I write. 

I'm broken a bit, not beyond mending, but the cracks will always be visible. We all have our cracks and chips and imperfections but that is what makes us real.  I can hide behind some make-up, some lash extensions, or a cute outfit, but the lines are still there. 

A while ago I made the mistake of thinking life for my family had been pretty free from major trials and heartaches. Everyone has their own battles they face everyday but on the whole we were doing great. I felt very blessed and still do despite my previous arrogant thought being decimated by events of late. 

"Grief, after the initial shock of loss, comes in waves. When you're driving alone in your car, when you're doing the dishes, while you're getting ready for work. . . And all of a sudden it hits you-how very much you miss someone, and your breath catches, and your tears flow, and the sadness is so great it's physically painful." -Nicole Gabert

Yes I've felt like that recently. In November we lost our great big mastiff mix dog. She was my shadow for her whole short life of 5 years.  Our whole family felt the sting of her loss intensely. It surprised me how much we could love our pet. She was a member of the family and the kids still cry and so do I for the loss of our dear friend. I hadn't lost someone or some thing that had been such a part of my daily life before. Sure, I had pets die as a kid but they didn't live in the house with me and follow me around all day.  Life surprises us with its twists and turns and takes us places we don't expect no matter how much we plan.  It left a hole in me, but not as big as the one that's growing now. 

Let's jump back in time a few decades. I was born to amazing parents with amazing families themselves. You know at least one of them, or me, or some member of my family, or you wouldn't be reading this now. Growing up I had my on ups and downs but my parents were examples of the best that I could hope to be my whole life. Always knowing what and when to say or do the right things. Well not just the right things, but the things that would make those around them feel important and loved always no matter who they were, and that is an extraordinary gift both my parents possessed. I'm not exaggerating or being sentimental either, it is simply a fact.  I have been truly blessed. Their amazing examples and teachings have helped me become who I am today. They introduced me to my Heavenly Father and the gospel of Jesus Christ and by their examples I leaned on their faith and was able to grow my own. You have to understand the reason my parents are so amazing is because of what they are founded upon; their unshakable faith in God and His plan of salvation for all of us. We all love my parents so much and have been drawn to them in our lives because they exude the love God has for each of us; His countenance shines through them because of their righteousness.
My sister has let you all know what is happening so I won't repeat; I don't need to, but I do want to add my thoughts. I've been grieving since November and when my mom thought she may have had a stroke, around Thanksgiving, I got scared again. Watching her down since June of 2015 with back injuries has been rough. So I started to think, "something else now?  Why does something else have to happen to her and my dad?" 

Then they started running tests and doing biopsies. It didn't really equate in my mind but my thoughts kept turning to, "I lost my dog and now I’m going to lose my mom too," even before we had a diagnosis. I did research based on what the doctors had said just to help brace myself if it was really bad. All my findings led me to the worst case scenario -glioblastoma multi-forme stage IV-  Even before the appointment when they told her that is what it was on December 14, 2015, I had a strong feeling. I was being prepared. 

The day before moms appointment with the neurosurgeon was a Sunday. I was home in Wyoming. I couldn't be still and I couldn't hold tears back. Bryant told me to just go to Utah and make a plan for the kids and he would help. I hate asking for help, I like to do everything myself, but I couldn't ignore the feeling. Bryant helped me get out the door and I left. I'm so glad I went. Being there for the appointment was important. Hearing my worst fear come out of the doctor's mouth about my mom, who had suddenly become so frail, stilled me to the core. None of us moved. She was admitted immediately. It became survival mode. I held it together until I called Bryant. All I was able to say was that it was the worst thing it could have been and what we were afraid of.  The the tears came out I as crouched in the hall of the hospital leaning against the wall. I wanted to be strong for my parents because they seemed to be holding it together. My mom and dad have unshakable faith and I wanted that too.

She had been given so many blessings the last few months.  She had been promised things would be OK.  She had only progressively gotten weaker.  Her chiropractor she had been seeing for the L2 fracture and the herniated disks was talking to her in October and said that she should be getting better and he couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t.  One of her very best friends had seen her after the horse accident and said she noticed my mom had lost a little weight, which was to be expected.  When she saw my mom again in October the weight loss was so dramatic it had her worried.  Looking back now we know it was the cancer sucking the life from her slowly, but at the same time, oh so quickly. 

Why?  Why her?  Why before she even hit 60 years old?  Why does one so righteous have to go through so many hard things and to now have such a lethal and aggressive form of cancer?
Why not?

“Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.” -Bible Dictionary

Bryant, my husband, had to receive the news from me while he was at work.  I didn’t want to tell him then, but he wouldn’t be put off.  He had to know, he had the right to know.  Of course there were no words.  He had to finish his day at work amidst tears.  His office staff was so supportive to him and to me.  I am very grateful for them.  We talked on the phone as often as possible over the next few days.  Not being there was so hard for him.  He wasn’t there to feel the special spirit that came to reside in her hospital room while we were there.  He didn’t hear the many blessings of comfort.  He wasn’t there to see the quiet reverent grace and dignity that exuded from my parents.  He didn’t get to be there for the family counsel we had to help my parents decided to go ahead with the surgery to remove the tumors to give her a better chance of living longer, despite some possibly devastating side effects.  Don’t get me wrong, we were terrified.  My parents were terrified.  My dad still won’t leave my moms side.  I lost 5 pounds that week, I didn’t have to lose.   After a few days of being with my mom and I had to come to to care of my own family and jobs.  I was going to be home for a few days, coming back for the weekend, then we were all going back for Christmas.

When I got back with my family we had to tell the kids grandma had cancer and we didn’t know what was going to happen.  They took it all right.  Young age and lack of life experience somehow makes news like that seem a little less heavy.  Bryant however was in a very dark place.  We talked a lot about it.  He wanted to know specifics like we all did, but he was adamant.  He wanted answers to questions that none of us had.  He wanted to know why her blessings had told her she would get good news and she would be OK and then we get the news of stage IV cancer.  He wanted to know every possible side effect and if my parents really understood how devastating this news was.  He thought they must not understand the severity of the disease or they would be more upset and how could they be calm.  He told me straight up he’d taken a huge hit on his faith, but not his testimony.  When he and I talked he was very frustrated and I just sobbed.  I told him I don’t know Heavenly Father’s plan, I don’t know they reasons why, but how could I deny the God that would hold my beloved mother in His arms if I ever wanted to be with her again.  How could I attempt to council the God of the universe about what I thought was right and what should be.  I am broken, but not believing, is never an option, because that would leave me more vulnerable than ever. 

He called his parents on their mission and cried to them several times asking why the most righteous woman he has ever know was given this trial?  Why weren’t her blessings coming like they had been promised?  Why weren’t we getting our prayers answered and her pain and trials kept getting worse?  Bryant’s parents gave him some great council and sent him a few quotes that were a turning point for him. 

 Elder Neal L Anderson: “Faith never demands an answer to every question but seeks the assurance and courage to move forward, sometimes acknowledging, ‘I don’t know everything, but I do know enough to continue on the path of discipleship.”  

Elder Randall K. Bennett: “We fail only if we fail to take another faithful step forward.  We will not, we cannot, fail if we are faithfully yoked to the Savior - He who has never failed and will never fail us!”

These quotes provided us both so much comfort and helped us again face forward with faith, but not without sorrow.  We have never been promised our lives would be without things that will try to break us, in fact it is quiet the opposite.  It is up to us to take those things that try to break us and use them to make us stronger.

We had another experience before we went back to Utah that strengthened us as well.  Bryant’s brother Derek had his own very spiritual experience and felt impressed to share it with us about their Grandmother that had passed away 5 years before.  Because it was so special, it will suffice to say it reaffirmed and  greatly impressed upon us the reality of our Savior Jesus Christ and that He truly lives and that the Atonement is real. 

Before Christmas my mom underwent the surgery to remove the tumors.  When we saw her after when she was in the ICU.  Under lots of pain meds she wasn’t herself of course and healing from that type of surgery is no easy process.  She kept tracing letter “M”s on her leg begging for the blessing of a miracle.  My Aunt Ellen took that and ran with it collecting letter “M”s from any and all who love our family to show my mom how much support she had.

By the time it was Christmas Eve we were on our way back down to Utah.  We had Christmas Eve dinner with Bryant’s parents and His brother Derek’s family.   Bryant’s father, Wayne gave us both beautiful blessings which brought us more comfort.  We visited with my parents Christmas Eve next.  My mom had been released from ICU so now the kids could go in to see her.  While we were there and it was getting late a wonderful Santa Claus and Mrs Claus showed up in the room giving gifts to all.  The sacrifice of those wonderful people to give their time to those in the hospital on Christmas Eve brought tears to my eyes.  

Christmas Day my sister and her family arrived and we all spent time together at the hospital with my parents.  When we weren’t all at the hospital we were all at my parents house.  It was so strange to be there without them, their absence was tangible.  It was good to be together with my sister and brother’s families despite it all and we gleaned strength from each other.

We all continued to pray for a miracle for my mom.  She steadily improved but we had to cut our visits shorter and not all of us at the same time.  Her left side was totally neglected and she no longer had use of her left field of vision, her left arm, or left leg, just as the surgeon said was probable.  We all spent as much time as we could together and with my parents, but the coming of the New Year couldn’t be stayed.  We had to come home and get kids back to school and get back to work.
Testimony meeting came.  Bryant asked me if it was OK if he could go up and talk about my mom and his experiences.  He didn’t really want to but couldn’t deny the spirit prompting him to talk about everything and the trial of faith he had experienced and how he came out stronger for it.  I told him to go ahead, but I would be crying just listening and there was no way I would be physically able myself to talk about it.  He bore a beautiful testimony.  Our ward family was and continues to be so supportive of us.  It was a good day.

Two days later we received a call from my parents.  They had finally had a Dr talk to them about life expectancy and options for my mom.  By now she had just started rehab at the same Provo hospital (which was no small feat that she got to stay at the same hospital due to my sister’s valiant insurance battling!)  It was the day they were to start the radiation and chemo to treat the parts of the cancer still left in her brain.  The Dr told them that the post op MRI was all ready showing signs of re-growth of the tumors despite the chemo wafer being placed in her brain during surgery.  Starting chemo and radiation now would prolong her life, but not for more than a few months and would likely severely decrease her quality of life until the end.  Now it was up to them to choose.  They chose quality over an extra very sick month or two and decided not to do chemo and radiation.  She only has a few months left to live at best.  Bryant and I huddled in our closet and cried as we talked to them on the phone.  My mom kept apologizing.  I told her it wasn’t her fault at all.  We ended the call amidst a fountain of tears.  

It is ending.  The life of my mother is ending.  The greatest comfort I have is that I know she is ready.  I had the feeling weeks ago that my sister who died before she was an hour old was going to have her turn with my mom.  When that feeling came I didn’t want to believe it, but now I do.  My mom is ready.  We are not ready to lose her, but life and eternity is not on our timetable.
There will be more to write later, but for now I say “Thank You”.  Thank you for all your love and support.  The questions may have come to you, “What about Sara’s miracle?”  Its going to come to my kids when she passes and this is what I will tell them.  I was reading the definition of “Miracle” in the Bible dictionary.  It talks about Christ performing miracles and miracles for the sick and afflicted and sites passages of scripture about those instances.  One of the last scriptures it references is long and talks about the miracles of creation and so forth.  Upon further cross referencing the scriptures teach us about the greatest miracle of all.  It is the miracle of the Atonement of Christ.  His suffering for our sins in the garden of Gethsemane and on the cross transcends all miracles in power and majesty.  I know that my mother has and will continue to receive that miracle.  She has lived her life in such a way, such a perfect way, that she will be taken into His arms for eternity and be cleansed every whit.  That is her miracle.  That is the miracle I strive for to be worthy of.